Waiting for the End

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding onto what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so

The hardest part of ending is starting again...

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding onto what I haven't got...

Seriously?

Tom just called me and informed me that Ford Motor Credit has been calling him and he finally answered. Turns out, he couldn't find it in his heart to pay the last 2 months of my car payment considering I don't have an effing job. So, my car is going to be repossessed. How the hell am I supposed to get to my pet-sitting jobs and find another job?! He said he didn't do it out of spite...my ass! He'd rather pay for his effing pot than my car because he's "not going to pay for a car that's not in his possession". What an asshole...seriously?! Well, I hoped that we could move forward, but this just knocks us a million steps back.

New Year's Eve...

Is it really that big of a deal? To me, it is. You're starting out a new year and you want to do it the right way...with the person you love. In my case, that's my husband who I am separated from. I was invited to a party by a friend who is in my Hopeful Hearts group, but Tom said he is very uncomfortable in those types of situations. Well, SO AM I, but it's something to do. So he said we should figure out if Katy & Robbie are doing anything. What if they're not? Well, then he'll figure out if his friends are doing anything...am I invited? "Of course"...did he include me when he was talking about it? No. Was I just supposed to read his mind? Apparently. Either way, I have to do something on New Year's Eve because my psychiatrist actually said it is "doctor's orders". lol Hopefully Katy & Robbie are doing something so I don't have to go hang out with Tom's friends that I don't really know. 

One step closer to the edge...

I started this blog as a way to vent about my separation from my husband...I have found it very helpful to be able to write about it and my emotions during this incredibly difficult time. Thank you to those of you who read this and support me. 

I am PMDDing like a bitch. If you don't know what PMDD is, I strongly urge you to look it up. As if PMS isn't bad enough...well PMDD is a billion times worse. Mood swings, cravings, deep depression, physical pain...NOT COOL. So I've been crying most of the day and am suicidal at the moment. Hopefully this will pass, as I am alone in the house. If you don't believe depression is a serious disease, well, you're a complete idiot to be perfectly honest. I've struggled with it since I was 13. On top of that, I have extremely bad anxiety and, with that, comes panic attacks. If you haven't had one of those, imagine your heart pounding out of your chest, tunnel vision, and not being able to breathe. I seriously feel like I am going to die during a panic attack. I had one yesterday and they've been more frequent since I've been separated. I have more medical problems than a freakin 80 year old, I swear. I'm so sick of having to deal with all of this, but I HAVE to...Lord, give me the strength...

Christmas is over...

Well, now that Christmas is over, it's back to how it's been for the past 3 months. Tom was so kind to me on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day...well, THAT'S over. When I call him, it takes around 10 calls before he'll answer. Like I'm calling him for kicks?? I have a reason to be calling! This morning, Mandy isn't feeling well and wouldn't eat her food. Well, since she is OUR dog, I was calling to let him know. He said, when he finally answered, "I don't have to answer right away when you call". WTF? So just ignore me? NOT cool. He's cold when he talks to me, too...as if we're complete strangers. Maybe I should file for legal separation...maybe that'll wake him up. Probably not. He's been sleeping A LOT lately and I think he's depressed. I suggested he go see our PCP...he said he might. I don't understand why such shitty things have to happen to good people. I am a good person...I am kind and caring...which is sometimes more of a curse than a blessing. I understand that he's hurt, but does he not get that I'M hurt, too?? I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today...they're working me in...I'm out of meds as of tonight, so thankfully I'll be getting some today. That would be extremely bad if I didn't get my meds...even though they're not helping nearly as much as they used to...they're still doing SOMETHING. I don't expect myself to be doing well when all this shit is happening...

Case of the Mondays...

Questions:

1.  What are your New Year's Eve plans?
2.  How tall are you?
3.  What is your favorite pudding flavor?
4.  What room of the house do you blog the most in?
5.  What is your best physical feature?
---------------------------------------------------------------
My Answers!

1.  What are your New Year's Eve plans?

I have no idea...with what's going on right now, it's really hard. I have been invited to a party at the Eidelweiss in Fort Worth by a friend in a group that I'm in, but I definitely don't want to go by myself...so we will see.

2. How tall are you?

I am 5'5".

3. What is your favorite pudding flavor?

Chocolate and vanilla together...

4. What room of the house to you blog the most in?

I have a laptop, so wherever it may be at the time...mostly in the living room though.

5. What is your best physical feature?

My blue eyes...I get lots of compliments on them. They change shades of blue depending on my mood. 

Merry Christmas!!!

Just got done eating with Mom and John. It was so good! Stuffed mushrooms (made by me, but my Aunt Laurie's recipe), spinach squares, cheese and crackers (made famous by my Grampa Wendell), deviled eggs, and my parents also had chicken salad and shrimp. I fear the 15lbs I lost is going to come back. IT BETTER NOT! lol I opened a very special present from my Aunt Laurie: a beautiful snowflake picture frame ornament with a picture of Grammy in it. I smiled through my tears. It is beautiful and is, fittingly, hanging on the Christmas tree next to Grampa Wendell's memorial ornament. In the card, it said, "Here's hoping 2011 is a better year for all of us..." Amen to that...it has been a HORRIBLE year. But, I won't dwell on the crapiness of 2010, since it's Christmas. I also got my secret Santa gift from my sis-in-law Allison: Colts light up ornament, Colts decal & Colts emblem for my car, and Colts horseshoes that you put on your nails. = ) I got a NY&Co. purse from my Aunt Deanne, Uncle Brian, cousin Kara, and my Nonny. I need to call them all and thank them. I also need to call my Grampy. He's not much for talking on the phone, but at least I can hear his sweet voice and tell him how very much I love him. Merry Christmas everyone! I'm off to my pet-sitting job!

Alone

Yup, that's right, I'm alone on Christmas Eve. =*( Had I known that my parents or Tom wouldn't be coming over, I wouldn't have taken this job...well, I take that back, it's very hard for me to say no and I know I'm the best for the job of taking care of 3 dogs while their mom is away. But, I'm sitting here...alone...watching "A Christmas Story". I've cried at least 3 times since I got back from church. Speaking of church, it was wonderful. I sat with my dear friend and her family. She MADE me a scarf, gave me a beautiful letter, and cookies. Looking at the letter and scarf now, I cried...good tears. It's so wonderful to have a friend who cares and goes out of their way to do something like that. Absolutely amazing. Thank you SO much, Teresa! I could never ever thank you enough!

Merry Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas Eve, everyone! I am barely awake, but have so much to do today: do all my laundry, take a shower, clean up, get ready, and get out of here by 4pm. I will be staying with 3 adorable dogs tonight and tomorrow night...sucks that I'll be alone, which I suck at if you didn't know, but happy to have the work. So glad this is my job! = ) I'll be going to check on and feed them at 5 and then go to the Christmas Eve service at church @ 6:30. I am very thankful and blessed that I have a wonderful church family and friends who I will be sitting with. Given my circumstances, it's really hard to get into the Christmas "spirit", but I am trying. I really miss my brothers who are in Indy and Florida...I am very close to them and it sucks to not be together with them and my nieces for Christmas. My brother Dan and sister-in-law Hillary (Adria's daddy and step-mom) have offered for me to come live with them...which I am seriously thinking about. I have so much family and so many friends back home...I really miss my home...it's where I belong. "When I dream about the moonlight on the Wabash, how I long for my Indiana home..." I'm trying to forget everything that's going on and focus on the REAL reason for the season: Jesus. I'm not going to lie though, it's been really hard...

I am so confused...

Went over to the apartment, my home, to see Tom tonight for his birthday with my girls. He got us pizza and I brought him homemade cookies. Everything was going very nicely until I asked if we could have sex...don't hate, I'm a 26 year old female with needs! LOL He said he didn't think it was a good idea...I said it could be meaningless (HAHA!), but he said there's no way it could be. Which I guess is correct, but at this point, I really don't care. So, of course, I started crying a little bit because I felt rejected. He felt really badly and said he was really sorry and that it wasn't for the lack of desire...which is good. At least he still wants me! haha I am so sexually frustrated, it's ridiculous. We watched "The Last Airbender" which really really sucked in my opinion. He put lotion on my legs...still nothing. lol Opened a card and present from my dad that came in the mail...thanks, Dad! Stayed there for about 3 hours. He walked me and the girls out to the car, hugged me, thanked me for coming over, and said, "I still love you".....of course I still love him too so I said so. I am so confused....

Used

I called Tom this morning to wish him a happy birthday...he called me sweetie...i think it's because he was half asleep...and he's used to calling me that. It stung like hell though because I know he didn't mean to. Ugh, anyways, I'm going over to the apartment tonight with Delia and Mandy, our dogs, to see him on his birthday. 

So a few weeks ago, someone I haven't talked to since freshman year at Lawrence North in Indy IMed me on facebook...he got my hopes up that there was actually going to be another man interested in me by saying that he regretted he never made a move when I had a crush on him. Yes, he's interested in me, but only for one thing apparently and you all know what THAT is. I am extremely vulnerable right now and to have him do that to me was cruel. One of my exes (now just my friend) did the same exact thing and he has a girlfriend...luckily though, I know him well enough to not take it too seriously. He eventually texted me and said he couldn't talk to me like that anymore because he truly is in love with his girlfriend. Wtf? Seriously? Of all times for TWO guys to play with my emotions?? I guess they "smell the blood" and come running. It was flattering, but to end up pretty much being used is NOT cool.

Men: you can't live with them and you can't live without them...

Heartbroken

It's Tom's 26th birthday tomorrow...I just got off the phone with him and he's planning on spending it with his family...well, some of it. I asked what he was doing after that and he said he didn't know. He couldn't have ASKED me to come over, could he?? Instead, I had to ask if he wanted to see me and he said yes. Why can't men just swallow their effing pride and tell women what they want?! So, because he didn't ask me, I started to cry on the phone. Not cool. I don't want to show him that I'm weak and heartbroken, but every time I talk to him, I end up crying. We used to be so in love...so happy. WTF happened? I thought this love would last...unlike my first love did...it makes me feel like there's something wrong with ME, like I'm unloveable or something. But, I know that I am worthy of love...just obviously haven't found the right person. I thought I had...I thought I had found my life partner...the future father of my children...the love of my life. Guess I thought wrong. We've been through so much together...we've lost 2 children together...we've been up, we've been down...maybe it was just too much. I didn't really believe in love until Chris...then I stopped believing in it again AFTER Chris...then Tom made me believe again...now I'm not so sure love ever lasts...

Life sucks. Seriously, I truly feel like giving up. I'm gonna be out of my meds soon, too, so that is NOT good...all because my "husband" refused to pay for my psychiatrist appointment. I asked Tom yesterday if he would go to church with me on Christmas Eve...he said that he promised his parents that he would go with them. Before even asking me? UGH! He said, "I'm sorry you're not happy with the Christmas Eve arrangements," to which I responded, "I'm sorry you ARE happy with the Christmas Eve arrangements!". Seriously, why are men such douchebags?! I put that as my status on facebook last night and got a lot of interesting responses by which I was highly entertained. lol My friend Kevin put "genetics"...is he admitting to being a douchebag?! I think so...

Limbo

So, as most of you know, Tom and I have been separated for 3 months now...where is it going? I have no idea...I feel like I'm in limbo! Are we getting divorced? Are we staying together? I don't know. At this point, I don't feel like we should stay together...there's been too much hurt to go back. I don't have the money for a lawyer to even begin filing for divorce. Any advice? I have no idea what I'm doing. I never thought this would happen to me...My brother Dan and my sister-in-law Hillary offered for me to come live with them. I am so ready to go back home to Indy...just waiting on the money to get there. Gotta find a job there, too. I miss my family and friends so much...I just want to go home. I thought the reason God had my parents and I move to Texas was for Tom...obviously, that's not the case. I don't know what His plan is for me and it's driving me crazy. My best friend here, Katy, has been working so much that she has no time for me which makes me feel like absolute shit and I really need her. I have a friend Teresa here who is absolutely amazing and supportive. I have been spending some time with her, which has really been helping. This is just an incredibly hard time right now. I cry daily. I feel so alone...